where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
