Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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