Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
