Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
