Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
