Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
