Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
