I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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