Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
