Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
