when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
