I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize