you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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