I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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