six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
