It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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