I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
