reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
