Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
