I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
