Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Randomize
