I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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