filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
