My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
