Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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