I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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