I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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