dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
