hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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