My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
