He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
