last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
