Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
