so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
