We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
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You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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