How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
