I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
