My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
