She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
