Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
