Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
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