shes about as inviting as chlamydia
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
We're too hungover to prance.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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