Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
