They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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