Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize