ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
