I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
