Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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