Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
