How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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