she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
