Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
