she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
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I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
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All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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