Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Is it because I queefed?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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