I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
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She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
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On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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