I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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