Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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