Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
