If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
